Deuteronomy - Second Law - This time it's personal!

As I started reading Deuteronomy I was worried nothing interesting would happen. It starts off as just a reiteration of everything that happened before. It's basically Moses sitting around going, "Hey! Remember the time we killed all the men, women, and children in those cities!? Oooh man! Good times....good times."

Eventually, though, I did come across several noteworthy items. Quite a few big ones, too. So I won't waste anymore time and get right to it.

DEU 9:4 Here we are given a justification for why Israel is allowed to conquer people, kill them, and take their land. It is not because the Israelites are righteous but rather "it is because of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord is driving them out before you." Even if they were an incredibly wicked people, I don't see how that justifies the killing of children. However, for the sake of argument, let's say there were some evil behavior that did justify killing every single person in these cities (and apparently it can be something as simple as not letting the Israelites pass through their city). The problem is that we don't know if they really were practicing this behavior because there's no one left to stand up in their defense. They're all dead. It's shoot first and ask questions later in God country.

DEU 12:31 God hates it when people sacrifice their children to other gods by burning them in fire. Right on! I agree! That is pretty bad.

DEU 13:6-10 God wants you to stone your children to death if they even try to get you to serve another god. Yeah! That's what I'm-wait what? Sacrificing children in fire is not OK but stoning them to death is?

DEU 14:18 Bats still aren't birds.

DEU 14:21 Here is a repeat of the ban on boiling a young goat in its mother's milk. Which I didn't understand when I first came across it but I recently heard an explanation from a Rabbi. It turns out that it was a law meant to show kindness towards the animals. As he put it, imagine a mother goat is walking through your camp and sees you cooking her baby goat in her own milk. She'd be pretty angry, don't you think!? So you see, this was meant as a way to be nice to the animals. Or, at the very least, the goats. After hearing the Rabbi say this and then reading this law a second time, I still don't understand it. I mean, why focus on just the goats? It doesn't make any sense.

DEU 15:7-8 Help out a poor man, whatever his need may be. Unless he needs health insurance. Then the right thing to do is make sure the rest of the country isn't paying for his lazy ass to get sick. Am I right, people!?!

DEU 18:10-14 "There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering...the Lord your God has not allowed you to do this." That's right! You're only allowed to stone them to death. Like if your son is being rebellious. I can see it now...

Israelite Father: "Arrrgghh!! My lousy son won't listen to me! He's stubborn and he drinks and he eats a lot of food! I have half a mind to sacrifice him in a fire to the gods!"

Israelite Father's Neighbor: "Heeeeeyyyy, whoa now! That's not cool, dude. Seriously. Sacrificing him in a fire to the gods? We're not animals. Now take this stone and be the first to throw it at your son like a good Israelite Father."

Israelite Father: *throws rock*

Israelite Son: "Ow! Son of a bitch!"

Israelite Father's Neighbor: "OK! Me next!!!"

DEU 20:10-14 If you approach a city to fight them but then offer peace and they don't accept it, THEN you're allowed to spare the women and children. But only as a plunder for yourselves. It's only when the Lord is giving you the city as an inheritance that you kill everyone in it. Or, you know, if they won't let you pass through because the Lord hardened their heart. Oh, but don't cut down the trees. That's just wrong. The trees aren't human, dummy!

DEU 22:21 Having sex in your father's house? That's a stoning!

DEU 22:23-24 Didn't cry out for help in the city when a man had sex with you even though you're engaged to be married? That's a stoning! Because rapists never tell their victims not to yell.

DEU 22:25-27 Did you rape a young woman engaged to be married out in the woods? That's a stoning! Because young women have never made false accusations of rape.

DEU 22:28-29 Did you rape a young woman who wasn't engaged to get married? Oh you better believe that's a stoni-whoops!! Just kidding! You have to pay her father off and then marry her. So there's some incentive there to rape the hot chick that turned you down a week ago.

DEU 23:9,12-14 This link actually goes to The Brick Testament because I think they handle this passage the best.

DEU 23:24-25 Come on down to God's All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!!

DEU 24:1-3 Apparently they had certificates of divorce despite not having certificates of marriage (as far as I can tell). I think it's because it's obvious when a woman is with a man since you would see them living together. But in a tribe of at least 600,000 people you can't easily tell if that woman you saw living with a guy last month, that is now flirting with you, is single. You might ask, "Hey, uh, you're nice and all but aren't you with that one guy I saw you with last month?" Then she can say, "Nope! Certificate! Check it out!"

DEU 24:16 "Fathers shall not be put to death because of their children, nor shall children be put to death because of their fathers. Each one shall be put to death for his own sin." Unless they're from a wicked city. Then kill them all!!!!!

DEU 28:1-14 The first 14 verses of chapter 28 talk about how wonderful things will be for you if you follow the law. Then the next 54 verses are all about the terrible things that will happen to you if you don't follow all of the commandments. And it says that "all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you."

So, for example, if you didn't stone your children for asking you to worship another god, then they'll be given to someone else. Perhaps they'll stone them for you. No, sorry. They'll go into captivity. And yet somehow you'll also eat your children. So maybe they're given to the local deli? Well, either way, that's what you get for not stoning them to death. Serves you right!

But wait, not only will you eat your children, but the most tender and refined man and woman will eat their children too! And to add insult to injury, he won't share!!

I mean, I guess I'd rather stone my child to death than eat them, but you'll eat your kids even if you broke a different commandment. If you boiled a young goat in its mother's milk, for instance, you'll end up eating your kids. Did you eat a bat? Then you might as well have it with a side of daughter. Neglect to stone that guy you caught picking up sticks on the Sabbath? Break out the fine china! You're having your son for dinner! Did you hesitate when you were supposed to kill a little kid in the city you were taking and let him get away? Well you should have eaten him instead because now you're going to eat your own children anyway.

I'm sure someone is going to say that it wasn't literal. It was figurative or whatever. But that doesn't take away from the point that I'm just now finally getting around to making. None of this sounds like the work of an omnipotent, omniscient, omni-benevolent God. It sounds more like the work of a primitive leader trying to come up with ways to scare people into following his orders. In fact, all of it sounds like the work of a primitive leader or leaders just trying to come up with ways to deal with sickness and domestic disputes and whatever comes his/their way. The more I read the Bible the more I'm struck by how seriously people take it.

Anyway, that's pretty much it. Moses dies at the end of Deuteronomy. Sorry to ruin that for you but it's not very exciting. Besides, I hear the main character doesn't even show up until later on anyway so I didn't ruin much.

Up next: Joshua!

-Nikko

Understanding the Skeptic: Painting on a Black Canvas

Numbers - 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42

I've said before that reading the Bible will, at the very least, help me appreciate Lost even more. So when I started reading Numbers I thought, "Heck yeah! This is going to really make things clear!" At which point I went through looking for the following passages; 4:8, 15:16, 23:42. Unfortunately, there isn't a 23:42, so instead I just kept counting into chapter 24 and considered that passage to be the 42nd verse of chapter 23. Here's what I figured out:

NU 4:8 Oh man! This must be talking about...something....maybe how to protect yourself from the Smoke Monster? Yeah. That's it!

NU 15:16 Uh-oh! Kate better watch her back! I think. I'm not sure. This may not be a good idea.

NU "23:42" Yes! This is the key! If Jack is Balaam and Ben is Balak and...Oh, who am I kidding? That's not working out.

Anyway, if I can get back to being serious-ish, when they say "Numbers" they mean it! There's a few passages where all they do is list off the numbers of things like the results of censuses detailing the number of Israelites by their clan, where they'll camp, how many Levites there are, the number of firstborn males (and how much they're worth or something), the number of Kohathites, a whole bunch of stuff about shekels, another census of the Israelites, and how many things the Israelites "obtained" from the Midianites (more on that later). Now, I'm obviously no expert on the Bible, but I can't see why this stuff is necessary to preserve. I imagine there must be some reason or it never would have stayed in, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.

There wasn't a lot (partially due to those lists) in Numbers for me to comment on. Most of it was fairly benign. However, there were a few things that really stood out to me and I'll go over them now.

NU 5:23-28 This is, in part, what is to be done to a woman that has been simply accused of adultery. She's to drink water mixed with dust from the ground. If she didn't cheat on her husband then she'll be fine and the water will have no effect on her. But if she did cheat on her husband then she'll experience bitter pain, her womb will swell, and her thigh will fall away (whatever that means).

I don't get how someone can read that and think that it was either 1) helpful for an ancient culture to survive or 2) inspired by an Omniscient God. It sounds more like the kind of trial by ordeal that we would expect from a primitive, superstitious culture bent on justice. And yet, people actually believe this was inspired by (or directly written by) an all-knowing God. I suppose it's possible that God simply felt this was the best plan of action, but it's an awfully curious method for an Omnipotent God to prefer.

NU 8:7 I believe "shaved" is the expression.

NU 11:18-20, NU 11:31-35 The people complain that they have nothing to eat, so the Lord gives them food and then kills them when they eat it because they rejected him.

What do you think is the most logical explanation for this story?

A) A failed attempt to understand/explain food poisoning

B) A failed attempt to understand/explain refeeding syndrome.

C) God was an angry, jealous god.

D) There is no logical explanation for this story.

NU 12:8, NU 14:11, NU 14:27, NU 22:9 An omniscient God asks more questions.

NU 15:32-36 I wonder if this guy was asking as he was being stoned to death for picking up sticks on the Sabbath, "Can't you just make me drink some dirt-water!?!? I'll pretend it hurts!"

NU 25 Yes, let us violently kill someone for dating the wrong kind. That's a wonderful response.

At one point the Lord is angry with the people of Midian (for reasons that I'm not entirely clear on). So he tells Moses to avenge the people of Israel on the Midianites. Moses gathers an army and sends them to Midian where they kill every male. However, they let the women and children live and brought them back. Which I thought was somewhat decent of them to do. Except apparently it wasn't a good thing to do. So Moses tells the men in the army to kill all the little boys and all the women that weren't virgins (in the sexual sense) but to keep all young girls that were virgins alive for themselves. Maybe, maybe, there's some noble reason for this, but on the surface it looks really really bad. If there were some noble reason, then why keep only the young virgin girls? Was Israel having a shortage of women? It seems possible if they were making them drink dirt-water after a mere accusation but it doesn't get mentioned anywhere that I saw.

That's it for Numbers. Like I said, it's mostly pretty benign.

Usually I would end here but recently I came across something that gave me a lot of pause and I felt it needed to be included in this blog.

I read comic books and in the most recent issue of The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman a true story was retold. (Before I continue, I want to make it clear that Robert Kirkman does not give the conclusion that I got from this story. The Walking Dead is not an atheist book. It's a really good book about humanity. I highly recommend it. In fact, it's so good that AMC is making it into a TV show.) Now I actually heard this story when it first appeared in the news but I had forgotten about it. I don't know if I should thank Robert Kirkman for reminding me or punch him. It's easily one of the most horrific stories I've ever heard. I won't repeat all the details of the story here. I think the following quote from the 4-year-old boy involved pretty much covers it; "My daddy ate my eyes out." If you feel the need to read the full story, you may do so here.

For whatever reason, after hearing this story a second time I found myself unable to shake it from my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about this little boy and the unimaginable horror he must live with now for the rest of his life. Even though I feel somewhat selfish for doing so, I began to relate this to the idea of God and the Problem of Evil. I'm the kind of atheist that feels the existence of evil in the world doesn't disprove God. God may have a very good reason for allowing evil, even this especially egregious example. But as I thought about what it would mean for an omnipotent God to exist alongside such a terrible event more and more, I was eventually hit by a response that I feel is the only response I can have. I'll end with it here;

I would rather spend an eternity in Hell on behalf of that little boy than love a God that would allow that happen.

-Nikko

Understanding the Skeptic: Making Tracks to No Where

Understanding the Skeptic: More Than Just DNA

No one will EVER Understand the Christian!!

Fuck this! I'm done with this shit! The Bible is stupid! Religion is stupid! If you're religious, you're stupid! I'm not doing this anymore! I've wasted too much time already!

***EDIT: As if it weren't obvious, this was an April Fool's joke!!***